The Journal
by jengwilson
Summary: A glimpse of CJ's journal throughout the years. JoshDonna romance


**The Journal**

**Completed: 6/29/04**

**Rating: PG-13****  
****Summary: A glimpse of CJ's journal throughout the years. Set post-administration**  
**Author's Notes: Major Angst Alert! You may want tissues.**

**10/7/07**  
**I can't believe this. It's been three days and I still****can't believe it. What am I going to do? What is she going to do? What are any of us going to do? How could you do this to us? To her?**

**10/9/07**  
**I didn't think she was going to make it through yesterday, I really didn't. You hear so often of people being strong, holding it together. She didn't. She fainted. She fainted! It was the second most horrible thing I've ever seen. She shook with tears; she screamed your name. She begged you not to leave her. When it was all over, Sam had to carry her back to the limo.**

**10/26/07**  
**She admitted today that she forgets to eat. Not a meal. She forgets for a few days. Then someone asks how she's doing and if she's eating and she remembers and tries to force down a salad or some fruit. I don't think she's sleeping either. I'm moving in with her for a while. I don't know how to help. I made you a promise. It's the last thing you ever asked me to do, to take care of her, and I don't know how.**

**12/15/07**  
**She's lost weight; at least 15 pounds since…and you know she can't afford to lose weight. And she cries; she cries all the time. She doesn't even have to blink. Tears just fall right out of her eyes, and they're huge. Her face is more accustomed to the tears than to make-up these days. It breaks my heart to look at her. Her face is always red, and the tears just keep falling. It's been two months, shouldn't it be easier? **

**4/4/08**  
**She smiled today. It was only for the briefest of seconds, and it didn't reach her eyes, but she smiled. Sam mentioned the secret plan to fight inflation, and she smiled. Then, the smile faded and the tears came back. They're so big, I keep thinking they'll get smaller, that they won't slide so far down her face, but they don't get smaller. We set the alarm on her watch to go off twice a day. It's to remind her to eat. She's still not sleeping. If we're lucky, she gets 3 hours a night. Every morning when I wake up, she's sitting on the couch crying. Sometimes looking at pictures or watching old tapes of you on CNN or Capital Beat. It's hard for me to hear your voice; I can only imagine what it does to her. She kept your cell phone. She won't have it disconnected. She calls it several times a day just to hear you on the voice mail. Once I heard her leave a message. "I love you. Please come back to me."**

**10/4/08**  
**I went with her today. She goes a lot, but she thought it would be harder today. Once we got there, I took a walk and left her alone. When I got back, she was napping next to the stone and her cheeks were stained with tears. It's not getting easier for her. She used to be so strong. She won't see anyone or take anything to help her sleep. Even Toby's worried. Everyone is trying to help, but we don't know what to do. She likes to be around Emily. I think it's because there aren't as many memories, since the two of you only met twice. Em and Sam are getting married next month.**

**4/18/09**  
**She laughed today. It was wonderful. It was really hard and horrible, and then it was wonderful. We had all discussed it, like we had any right to decide when she was ready to move on. But we were just doing our best. You know that, right? Anyway, we all discussed it; Emily, Toby, Sam, Leo, me. Even Abbey agreed that it was time. Sam was the one who said it. "Donna, I have a friend; he's a lawyer. He's a really nice guy, maybe the two of you could go out for coffee." We didn't exactly expect her to say yes, not the first time. We just wanted to put it out there; it's been a year and a half. We thought it was time to put it out there. She freaked out Josh. She started shaking and hitting him in the chest and she was yelling at all of us, saying that we betrayed you. She said we were horrible friends and told us to get the hell out of her house, and then she fell to the couch and sobbed like she did that day. We all just stood there for a few minutes, not really knowing what to do, and then Toby leaned down in front of her and quietly held her hand. She leaned in and cried on his shoulder for a few more minutes, and then he softly told her that you'd want her to be happy again. That's when it happened. She picked her head up and her face was a mess, but the tears stopped and she started laughing. She laughed and laughed and I thought she had finally lost it, but then Sam started laughing too. It was like the two of them knew a joke the rest of us didn't know. She looked at Sam and they both just shook their heads. That's when Toby got it. "Ok, maybe not. He was always the jealous type." Then we all laughed. It was nice. Later, when it was just the two of us, I told her that although you'd never think any other man was good enough for her, you wouldn't want her to live her life alone. She gave me a small smile and said if that was the case, you shouldn't have left her. **

**11/1/09**  
**I moved out today. Don't worry; I'm going to keep my promise to take care of her. I'll always keep that promise, I swear. Toby and I have been dating for about 8 months now, and we're getting serious. I wonder what you would've thought about that. He's been really great. He knew I needed to be with her, he never pressured me to leave there, but last month she told me to go. She looked at me while we were making dinner and told me that I shouldn't wait to love him because I don't know how much time I'll have to love him. She told me she'd be ok, she promised. Toby and I bought a place three blocks from her. We're not going to leave her alone. **

**9/14/10**  
**She had a breakthrough yesterday, and a breakdown this morning. It was so wonderful, and then so sad. Toby and Sam are in the California office for a few days, so Emily, Donna and I got together to watch girly movies. We still have to be really careful with what we rent, but we found some good ones. At around 10:30, one movie ended and we we're getting ready to put another in, and out of the blue she said she hadn't cried that day. I didn't know what she was talking about, then she said it was the first day since you've been gone that she hadn't cried. I couldn't believe it. It's been almost three years; she's cried every single day for three years? How is that even possible? She said it with a small smile, she was proud of herself, but it took everything I had not to break down in front of her. Emily was wonderful though. She announced that it was an occasion for ice cream, and we put in another comedy and ate ice cream and cookie dough from the roll. The next thing I knew, I looked at the clock and it was 12:03am, and I said, "Congratulations, you made it through your first day." She smiled; a big smile. Then her face changed and she looked, I don't know, scared I think. Then she began sobbing uncontrollably. She sobbed and sobbed and she couldn't stop and Emily and I both started crying because we didn't know what to do. I thought maybe she had been holding it in, determined to make it through a day without tears, but after an hour she finally calmed down enough to speak. And what she said, Josh it broke my heart. It was so very sad. She asked how she could do that to you. How she could go a whole day and not mourn for you. She was scared that she didn't love you as much; that she was forgetting you. We tried to tell her that she could love you and just not be as sad for you anymore, but she just kept crying and crying and we were helpless. She finally cried herself to sleep, but Emily and I cried for another half hour. For her, not for you.**

**7/7/12**  
**Sam and Emily had a baby today. He's beautiful and they named him****after you. We were all there: Toby, Leo, Donna, Charlie, Margaret, even Bonnie came by. The Bartlett's are coming in this weekend. The only thing missing is you. She sat and held him for the longest time, and I could see in her eyes that she doesn't think she'll ever have that. She looked at Sam and Emily and then at the baby, and her smile was so sad. How dare you Josh! How dare you love her that much, and how dare you make her love you that much. Do you know how hard this is for her? How hard it is for her to see a family and think she'll never have one? How could you do that to her? **

**7/8/12**  
**I'm sorry; I know it's not your fault. It's just so hard.****It's still so...hard.**

**1/24/14**  
**We won Josh! You'd be so proud of Sam. He took the oath yesterday. He's the President of the United States! Can you believe it? We're back! It's like a reunion, we're all here. Well, almost all of us. It's been a long 8 years since we left; wow, that means you've been gone for seven. I was walking through the bullpen today, and I could've sworn I heard you bellow her name. Toby is the Chief of Staff. You would be, if you were here, we all know that. But my husband is going to be great. I'm stepping back into the pressroom, and I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. I'm not as young as I used to be. And speaking of young, Charlie is working in the council's office. Leo agreed to be the Secretary of Defense again, but claims that after the first term, he's stepping down. Will is the Communication's Director, which Toby's not thrilled about, but Sam told him to suck it up. By the way, I laughed out loud when I called him Mr. President today. It was so weird. He begged Donna to be his executive secretary, but Emily had other ideas, so your wife is the Chief of Staff to the First Lady. She's come a long way from Manchester, hasn't she? Last night, at one of the balls, I noticed she was gone. I asked Will if he'd seen her, and he said she went back ****to start unpacking her things. I went over with a bottle of cheap Champaign, but she wasn't in her office. I found her in your old office. She was sitting in a folding chair looking out the window. She was just sitting there in the quiet room holding a picture of the two of you. I slipped out without her knowing it.**

**6/2/15**  
**Today was really hard on her. When your mom died on Saturday, it was like she lost the very last part of you that she had. At the funeral today, she looked over at Joshua, who's turning four next month, and I could see so much regret in her eyes. I know that she wishes she had been ready to have children when you wanted to, that she wishes she hadn't wanted to wait until she finished her degree. I know that she feels guilty that your mother never had grand children and that the Lyman name is going to end with her. Leo sat with her in the family row, and held her while she cried. She loved your mother Josh, but she was crying for so much more today. The thing is, I don't think she could be a mother right now. It's been 9 years Josh. 9 years, and she's just not…her. That sparkle in her eyes, it's not there anymore. There's barely a trace of it left. She smiles now, and she laughs sometimes, but she's not the same. I love this Donna just as much, but she's not the Donna she was before.**

**1/4/18**  
**I can't believe it; I'm still in shock. Scott Warner has been released from prison. It's ironic; the man who almost killed you all those years ago, the one they caught, is still in prison, but the one who drove up onto a sidewalk in a drunken stupor and did kill you is out. His parole officer called yesterday; apparently he wants to pay his respects and wanted to know what cemetery you're in. I'm glad they called me and not her. When I told her, she turned around and left. I found her an hour later at the cemetery, crying. She called Sam at 2:30 this morning. She was hysterical, and she was begging him to tell her the name of your favorite Met's player. Sam remembered that it was Mike Piazza. She cried and cried, and finally Sam called me and I went over to her place and held her while she cried some more. She's worried that she's forgetting you. She told me that sometimes she can't remember the exact color of your eyes or the sound of your laugh. That sometimes she'll go almost the whole day without even thinking of you. She thinks that's a bad thing, but I don't. The thing is, though, as much as she worries, she knew the Mike Piazza thing. She did. It was just 2:30 in the morning and she woke up and couldn't think of it because she was half asleep. But she knew that. She's not forgetting you. I was thinking after I left there that Toby and I don't have what the two of you had. We love each other dearly, but it's not like it was with the two of you. Toby doesn't love me the way you loved her, and I don't love him the way she loves you. That might sound sad to you, but I'm glad it's what it is and nothing more. I don't think I could lose what she lost. I don't think I would make it through losing that. I've said for years that she's not as strong as she used to be, but maybe that's not true. She's strong enough to have survived losing everything. I love Toby, but he's not my everything, and I'm glad.**

**7/4/19**  
**We had a cookout today in the Rose Garden. Sam and Toby grilled hot dogs and hamburgers and Donna and the kids played with sparklers. Then we all watched the fireworks together. Donna has become the world's greatest aunt, by the way. The kids have brought her back to life. Huck and Molly turned 16 in May. Molly and Donna go out once a month for facials and manicures. She goes to all of Huck's baseball games, and last month she took the two of them to New York for the weekend to go shopping and see the Yankees play the Mets. Toby was jealous. Sara, Sam and Em's youngest, is 4. Charlie's oldest, Jed, is also 4, and his youngest, Sierra, is 2. Donna spoils all three of them absolutely rotten. They have slumber parties in the residence. They have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, make cookies, watch Disney movies, and play hide and seek in the West Wing. And then there's Joshua, who's 7 now. Every day, he comes home from school and does his homework in Donna's office. He has a desk in the corner with anything a second grader could possibly need. Donna and Emily leave the door connecting their offices open, and since he was two, he's just come and gone between the two as he pleased. She's never said anything, but I know she looks for a little of you in him. And I've got to tell you, he looks exactly like his dad, but he does act like you. We joke around all the time that he's just like the man he was named after. He's wild; he runs around the White House like he's in charge. Without thought to his father's job, he wanders in and out of the oval office regardless of who's in there, he jumps on the furniture in the Mural Room, and he plays with his train set in the Roosevelt Room. He loves the Mets, which is solely Donna's doing, and he's already starting to dislike republicans. Sam and Emily do their best not to spoil him and Sara, but they know who to go to if their parents say no. Donna hasn't mastered the word no, and says that as an aunt, she doesn't have to.**

**8/16/24**  
**I cried today in the pressroom. I've never cried before in there. Never. I made it 15 and a half years without crying in that fucking room, and today, four months before we leave office, I cried. He's dead Josh. I can't believe he died. I know the MS has been pretty bad for the last 6 years, but I never really thought it would beat him. But it did, he died. He was maybe the greatest man I ever knew, and he died. We're all a mess today. Donna flew to Manchester; she's the only person Abbey wants to talk to. She's the only one who knows what Abbey's going through.**

**9/5/27**  
**Cancer. I can't believe it's cancer. This can't be happening. I can't believe this is happening. How does one person go through so much in life? How much more can she take? She asked me to go with her, I think she needed my strength, but I keep hearing the doctor's words over and over like an echo. It's ovarian cancer. We'll perform a hysterectomy right away, and hopefully we'll get it all.' She just sat there, with no expression on her face, and I held her hand while she listened to him discuss her options. I half expected her to say she didn't want treatment. That she was ready to go home to you, but she didn't. She's going to fight it. Maybe it's because she wants to see Huck and Molly graduate from NYU and Columbia in May. Maybe it's because Joshua is the best trumpet player in the 8th grade. Maybe it's because she thinks you'd want her to, or because she doesn't want to disappoint any of us. Maybe it's because she's on the Board of Advisors for MADD. Maybe, just maybe, she's happy. I certainly see traces of happiness sometimes, especially when she's with the kids. We left the doctor's office today and went to Sam and Emily's home in Alexandria. We called Toby, Charlie and his wife Jodie, and Margaret on the way and asked them to meet us there. I'm sure she'll tell Leo too, although I don't know how. He's 84 now, and he…gets confused. When we were all together, she told them. She just said it. I have cancer.' Then, she went on. She said that we have always been there for her and that she was going to need us to get through this. She said that we were amazing friends to both her and you and that you would be so grateful to know that we've stuck by her all these years. That we trusted her with our children and made her part of our family. She thanked us for loving you enough to love her. She told us she didn't know if she'd win, but she'd fight it if we fought it with her. She was amazing.**

**4/14/30**  
**After fighting for 3 years, she lost. She told me 4 months ago that she lost; I went with her to tell the doctors to stop fighting; that her body, her 54 year old body, couldn't take it any more. Last month, Toby and I moved in with her, and I took care of her the best I could. I always have, I hope you know that. I haven't been perfect, and I certainly haven't been you, but I did my very best. We all did. I think for everyone else, it was easier than losing you. This time, they were prepared for it; they got to spend time with her and say goodbye. They didn't get to say goodbye to you; but I did. I got to make that promise to you and hold your hand while we waited for the ambulance, both of us knowing it wasn't going to get there in time. I called her and held the phone up to your ear while you told her you loved her over and over until you closed your eyes and were gone. It was quick; only 6 minutes, and you weren't in pain. You didn't really feel anything. That's not how it was with her. It was long and painful and hard; it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Everyone visited; in fact, most of them came nearly every day. Joshua came at least three times a week and looked at old pictures with her and listened to her stories. He got his acceptance letter to Harvard two weeks ago; she loved that he chose Harvard over Princeton, although she'd never tell Sam that. She was pissed off that she was going to miss Huck's wedding next spring, not to mention Jed and Sara's first day of high school in September, but other than that, she was ready. Toby, Sam and I sat ****around in the evenings and told stories about the two of you.**

**Sam,****Toby, Will, Charlie, Huck and Joshua will be the pallbearers, and I will give the eulogy at the funeral the day after tomorrow. There are things I won't tell them. I won't tell them that after you died, she never again wore mascara and she never went out on even one date. I won't tell them that she never stopped watching you on Capital Beat, or that your toothbrush is still in its holder, or that she visited the cemetery every single week for 22 years. But I will tell them that she loved. That she had 3 nieces and 3 nephews whom she adored. That she found a way to forgive a man named Scott Warner, who took you away from her. I'll tell them that she spent years traveling to high schools to talk to kids about drinking and driving and that as the Chief of Staff to the First Lady, she was instrumental in a bill that lowered the legal alcohol limit for driving, as well as legislation that instituted stricter DUI laws. I will tell them that she loved you with her entire heart for her entire life, and I will say that death, while it was able to separate you, was never able to destroy what you had. I will say that I've never known anyone who loved the way the two of you did and that I'm happy that my friend, my best friend, is finally with the love of her life. Tell her I miss her, Josh. It's only been an hour, but I miss her already.**


End file.
